Racer Litmus Test

You might be a racer if…

You know how to properly pronounce "Ligier".

You walk proper lines through the grocery store.

You’ve ever had to explain the term "pucker factor".

You’ve been known to yell "It means ‘check your mirrors’ dammit!" at your television.

You’ve paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.

You bought a race car before buying a house.

You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

You buy new parts because you don’t know where you put the spares.

You’re looking for a tow vehicle and still haven’t bought furniture!

You find that you need a new house because you’ve outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.

The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):

  1. 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
  3. Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
  5. 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
  7. A grease pit.
  9. Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
  11. Deaf neighbors.
  13. Across the street from a paint and body shop.
  15. Some sort of house with a working toilet on the property somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome.

You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.

"Honey, you know well that Orthodontic work is the equivalant of three sets of tires"

You hear "overcooked it" and think "off the track" instead of "Luby’s".

You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heal and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I’m getting a new mink."

If you can lose five pounds in a July afternoon while eating chili dogs.

Your children are named after famous race car drivers (and one or more of them were conceived at a race track).

Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.

You’re tired of people asking how fast your car is and expecting to hear the top speed in MPH, not a lap time at some local track.

You have an immaculate car which you drive one day a week, and the vehicle that gets you around the other 6 days is rusted, covered with duct tape, and has a pair of Vise Grips holding the clutch cable together. You promise yourself you’ll fix it right after this season, or when you need your Vise Grips for something else.

You have enough spare parts to build another car

More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call

You have car parts in your cubicle at work

The guys at the local tire store laugh when you come in

Your grandmother is shocked to find you have a pair of jammies that cost $400 and the seat doesn’t even drop down

You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, start your engines!"

If you can’t remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends."

You’re registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.

Your Christmas list begins with a Webster gearbox and Carrillo rods (and your ‘significant other’ knows what these are).

After your answer to "How was your weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"

You have a separate drawer for ‘garage clothes’.

You’ve ever repaired your lawn mower with AN hardware.

Your lawn mower has a fuel cell.

A new racing catalog arrives in the mail and you disappear to the bathroom for hours.

Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Caroll Smith has ever written…. and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerolds.

People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.

People know you by your "off"s. "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud at Lime Rock last weekend!"

Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.

Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.

Your friends don’t recognize you without a helmet and driver’s suit.

Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".

You plan your wedding around the race schedule.

You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

You remember the dates and details of every race you’ve ever been in, but can’t remember your phone number.

Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.

You know you might be a racer when crawling around in the muck wrenching on your own car is _much_ more appealing than reclining on the sofa, watching the pretty cars go around on TV with a beer in your hand…

(you might be a Corner Worker if…) you pick up the phone and say, "Control, this is…."

You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don’t stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.

A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

A neighbor asks to borrow some brushes, you hand them brushes for a generator/alternator and they give you a funny look.

You tell a friend you need to clean up the head this weekend and they think you mean the toilet.

You give out [your favorite racing catalog here]’s number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.

You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."

You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.

You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work (or school).

You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.

Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn (not neccessary going fast).

You always do a toe & heel down shift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look.

You buy real cheap tires for your street car, so you can save $$$ for the real (race) tires.

You can’t stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.

You can’t stand understeer.

You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.

You will gladly pay up to $6 for a bottle of engine oil.

You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.

You memorized the menu at Denny’s.

You buy Gatorade by box.

You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can’t drive.

You’ve ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.

You save broken car parts as "momentos".

Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly….

You’ve found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn’t particularly care for alcohol)

When your friends who smoke come over you’ve got these really unusual ash trays for them to use (made by J&E and ROSS)

You’ve got 3 immaculate race cars always race ready, but your wife has to nag you for 2 months before you fix the headlight in her car

Your "daily driver" is continuously being mistaken for an abandoned car as you haven’t taken the time to wash it in over a year